I'm here - still quit

It's hard to post when I just don't think about it anymore. I don't count how many weeks its been, I haven't been doing the Big Rewards for significant chunks of time - I just don't even think about it.
I'm not sure if it's the hypnotism or the fact that I was just so ready to quit that I just quit.
I even had a party the other night and there were a bunch of people smoking in the driveway and it wasn't attractive or difficult or annoying or upsetting. There were just people smoking in my driveway and that's it.

It's as if I have been brainwashed, only I was brainwashed before and I'm not brainwashed now. Or something.

Needless to say I need some other ex-smokers to have access to posting on this blog, because I'm doing totally fine and others may want the chance to have this outlet. If you are interested - e-mail me.

Styro's friend Craig died. First chemo treatment and he's dead.

I don't know what to tell her because it's sad and maddening and sad again.

I am terrified of becoming a statistic.

I don't smoke anymore.

Good Friends Really Help

Manuel brought this over to our house Saturday. He seriously spent some time on this.

The box, labeled "Stuff to chew on", contained:

A box of pens with caps
A box of bendy straws
Big League Chew gum
Those weird wax lips
A pack of candy cigarettes
A round of chewing tobacco (?!??)
Ring pops
A 2 lb. bag of baby carrots
A box of Pocky
Beef jerky sticks
Candy necklaces
Asian ginger candy
A baggie of suckers
Gum cigars

Dudes. He drove all over going to Archie McPhees and convenience stores getting us this stuff.

It's moments like this that I know I have good friends. Thank you, Manuel.

Sleep

I've been waking up between 4 and 5 a.m. every morning. I thought it was the Zyban, so I stopped taking it Friday. But today's Wednesday, and I woke up at 5 a.m. Now I'm not sure if it's the Zyban or the metabolism changes or a bad stroke of luck*.

I can tell you that I've gained five pounds, though.

I'm leaving work early today to run a couple errands then try to take a nap. I feel like I'm keyed up, even when I'm exhausted.

I need to find someone to go walking with after work.

* Coincidence? The cats' major pooping/kicking litter hour is between 4 and 5 a.m.** It never woke me up before. I find my self yelling "IT'S COVERED GODDAMMIT" every morning now.

** Who the fuck wakes up at 4 a.m. to shit?

P.S. Haven't smoked - feel good. Just a bit... um, rotund.

Great White North

Three hour car ride stocked with five (FIVE) shots of decaf over ice with tons of cream and Splenda, and a chocolate Top Pot donut, and knitting, and SEWING. Yes, sewing in the car. And I usually get carsick. But today the Quit Smoking Gods looked down on me and let me repair* a skirt and a pair of khakis and then let me start a knitting project from scratch. Husband drove all the way.
Thankfully the family we are visiting with cook good food and booze up (which I don't) and play a wicked marathon of cards, but none of them smoke. Thought I'd check in with you guys since I didn't publicize our trip outta town for fear of the house getting broken into (again).
The weather is gorgeous - mostly sunny with a cool breeze. I hope it stays this way all weekend.
Will try to check in later this weekend too.
*Those stupid back pockets with the little flaps on them? That inevitably end up being bent up at the corners for an eternity? I always sew them shut.

Or was I already a bitch?

last night when I got home from work I pulled into the driveway and saw a pink piece of paper taped to my house. Like, a piece of paper with that manila masking tape on the paper and another few inches out from the paper stuck to the wood of my house. I'm not sure how I would have handled this a few weeks ago, but OH MY GOD I WAS PISSED. I untaped this flyer from the house (it was taped right next to the metal screen door) and walked inside. I walked right in, picked up the phone, and started dialing the phone number of this carpet cleaning service that TAPED A FLYER TO MY HOUSE. Husband is saying "Hello? Honey? How was your day? Who the hell are you calling?!?" and I was ignoring him.

After a few rings I heard a cheery "Hi! This is Whatever It Was Carpet Cleaning! We do Blah blah blah! Please leave us a message!" and I said

YEAH. YOU JUST LEFT A FLYER? TAPED TO MY HOUSE? AND IF YOU EVER TAPE ANYTHING TO MY HOUSE AGAIN? I'M CALLING THE FUCKING POLICE TO HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR HARASSMENT AND VANDALISM.

click.

Husband thought it was a bit much. Especially because of the f-bomb. And especially because they may have caller ID.

OH MY GOD THEY CALLED BACK.

Husband took the call. The business owner apologized and actually asked for our address so it would never happen again. Husband apologized for his wife's behavior. Husband informed me of this conversation.

What did I respond with?

YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM NOT TO TAPE FLYERS ON PEOPLE'S FUCKING HOUSES. HOW BOUT ON THE DOOR OR EVEN ON THE GROUND IN FRONT OF THE DOOR LIKE MOST DUMB ASSHOLES.

I should have been breathing into a bag.



Am I the only person who gets seething mad at flyers? This is MY PROPERTY and you just deposited garbage on it. You just walked up to my door and dropped trash on the ground, or attached trash to my doorknob with a rubber band. You just threw a rolled up newspaper full of local ads into my front yard. I know it's not that big of a deal, but the amount of distributed flyers and "neighborhood newspapers" that have been distributed and thrown away in this world makes my head spin. And worse, people who USE the flyers and actually USE the business because of these flyers? I want to kill all of them.

Taped! To the varnished wood side of my house! Right next to the fucking screen door? IS IT ME???

Trudging along

So yesterday was Administrative Professionals Day, motherfuckers. Yeah, yeah, talk to the hand. We'll see if I remember you when it's Whatever-the-Fuck-You-Do Day.
I'm finding myself oddly depressed each morning on the way to work. Perhaps because I'm getting 6 hours of sleep per night on Zyban? Or because every time I leave the house I think my old cat is going to die, like, THAT DAY? Because I LEFT THE HOUSE? But I also know it's because I'm driving to work and I can't smoke. It was something to look forward to (just like many of you look forward to your first cup of coffee - it's an event in your morning that you can be excited about). Seriously. It was entertainment on the 15-20 minute drive. And now the drive is slow and long and boring. And in the midst of this I suddenly plummet into this emotional train wreck of anger and sadness all at the same time without even directly recognizing that it's from the lack of smoking. As a matter of fact, it took me until THIS MORNING to recognize it for what it was - psychological withdrawal.

What's something I can replace this with? I thought a couple of new mixed CD's in my car would do it but.... it's not. And I can't eat or drink smoothies in the morning until I've been up at least a couple hours - for some reason. I've always been like that. I'm not a morning digester.

What else is there that I can do?